


Duty/Love

by Moon_Raccoon_exe



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Blood and Injury, M/M, Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-07-12 06:17:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15989396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moon_Raccoon_exe/pseuds/Moon_Raccoon_exe
Summary: For Loqi week, day 5, prompt "Duty".Loqi was given a task. All that he ever did, it was for duty.Now, the time for him to finish said duty has come. But he hesitates in the last moment; he debates himself to choose between the duty that started it all, or the love that happened in the way, and which he was not supposed to feel.Chapter 1 can work as a one-shot.Chapter 2 can work as an ending, but depending on demand, I could add a chapter 3.





	1. Chapter 1

“It’s my duty.”

He would tell so to himself every time he forgot. Every time he got carried away. Every time that the lie was so good, he mistook it for reality. 

Every time that he felt his heart race, when those rough-skinned fingertips explored his cheeks; every time his cheeks turned red when icy blue eyes stared adoringly at him; every time an army of butterflies invaded his body whenever hands held him by the waist, or the arms, or the face, and those words slipped past the pair of soft, hypnotizing lips; ‘I love you’.

Loqi sometimes forgot what it was.  
‘It’s real’ he had murmured against his lover’s lips endless times. ‘It’s true’, he had kissed him. ‘It’s love’ he had breathed.  
But it was different.  
It was duty.

 

“Loqi” Cor greeted him in his usual quiet, secretly shy, but joyful way. The younger man had exited the room he shared with the Lucian and smiled at his sight. He liked how Cor said his name whenever he saw him; as if no matter if it was a week or three minutes, he would always say his name when he saw him, as if he had missed him, as if never having enough of the melody of his name. “I’m hungry. Are you not?”  
“If you are, then so am I” the Nif said with a playful smile, going towards him. He was immediately and naturally received in the older man’s arms, which sneaked around his waist and lifted him off the ground for only a few seconds, while Loqi rounded Cor’s neck with his arms and kissed him casually, with a wide, happy smile. “What’s for dinner today, my dear?”

Cor hummed as if in his version of a purr, smiling widely.  
“What?” Loqi asked with a laugh.  
“You don’t usually call me any pet names” Cor said happily. “I like it.”  
“Well, don’t get used, you, fool” Loqi replied with a still playful smirk, and earning a chuckle from the older man.  
“You’re in your coat” Cor noted, arms still hugged to the smaller man. “You going somewhere?”  
“Why, you don’t want me to?” Loqi asked lowly and still playfully, raising an eyebrow. The Lucian laughed under his breath again.  
“Of course I don’t” Cor whispered as he pulled the younger man closer, leaning down for their noses to rub. “And if you do, I’d follow.”

Loqi smiled lovingly at the words and stared affectionately at either Cor’s eyes or his mouth. His hands moved to hold the Lucian’s face tenderly.  
_He’s so in love with me._  
“You, cheesy old man” Loqi whispered, and both smiled playfully at each other. Returning to a more serious air, Loqi’s smile softened. “I love you, Cor.”  
“I love you too” the older man whispered back and, finally, he closed the eyes. Loqi kept them open for a little bit more, but closed them when both leaned closer to press their lips together, softly, but firmly. 

_It’s my job._

Loqi had to remind so to himself after he let a minute of kissing go on. It was easy to forget when Cor’s mouth was on him; when his words pushed the lies aside; when his presence alone made him forget everything but Cor and Cor alone. Cor, and his beautiful eyes; his short hair, his beautiful body, his scars, and how incongruously soft and tender he was in his physical actions in contrast to how tall and tough he was. 

Loqi’s hands softly moved down to rest on Cor’s shoulders while both still kissed. Their lips captured each other and let go, over and over. They shared and stole each other’s breath, tongues shyly poking, and mouths kissing as if not having enough, but remaining soft.

Soft. Leonis was a soft lover. He could get beastly and rough in bed, but in the same measures he could love tenderly. Loqi had discovered in a year of relationship that Cor was _tender._

There was no way to kill the Immortal. Frontal attacks wouldn’t work; backstabbing won’t. You can’t kill him as an enemy, so they tried with a friend. It did not work, either. Cor had seen the betrayal and the disguise before the multiple Nif spies could make a move. No enemy or friend can kill him.

Loqi put his hands on the Marshal’s arms, softly. Slowly, while their mouths were still busy on each other, he let his hands snake down, caressing, following the path of the arms until he reached Cor’s hands, that rested at his waist, holding him. The Nif took them and gently put them away, only to bring them up. They broke from the kiss only for a moment, while Loqi adjusted Cor’s hands on his face. 

He looked up at the Lucian and gave him a shy, innocent look. His cheeks turned red and he couldn’t help but look slightly away, keeping a hand on top of one of Cor’s, which cupped his face. Cor smiled as if moved and didn’t say a word. He leaned close to press a kiss to Loqi’s forehead. The cute and affectionate gesture made Loqi’s heart melt, and it brought butterflies to his stomach.

When they started kissing again, Loqi put his hands shyly on Cor’s chest, and started subtly and slowly moving them down. Exploring. Analyzing.

_Your job is simple. If no enemy or friend can kill the Immortal, then you won’t be enemy or friend._

Cor was a tender gentleman. He liked to give Loqi forehead kisses, and always did it with the eyes closed and the heart so full, it was almost possible to touch the affection he radiated. He liked to kiss his knuckles, too. He liked to caress Loqi’s body softly, love it quietly. He always tried to make sure he was comfortable, warm, happy. Took him to dates and always made sure he was alright. Gave him what he wanted, even what he did not ask for. 

Sometimes he brought him a flower. A little pebble. A chocolate. Little details that made him think of Loqi, things he thought would make him smile.  
As a lover, Leonis was tender, a gentleman, and innocent like a child that only wanted to give. When he was in love, Leonis forgot about every bad thing in the world, about malice or hatred. He turned into an innocent ray of light that adored his lover to the point of almost becoming worship.

He liked to praise Loqi. A lot. For his beautiful face; for his eyes, his nose, for his eyebrows. For his beautiful body; for his silky skin. For his lips. For his passion; for his secret kindness. For his loving heart; for his words; for his way of moving, for his way of loving. For existing. For sharing his existence and his love with him. 

Loqi’s hands rested on Cor’s torso, above the stomach. He liked the strong sensation underneath. The way it subtly moved with every breath Cor took in between kisses.  
Cor’s hands held his face adoringly, and his thumbs softly caressed his face. One of his hands moved back to start gently stroking his hair with so much adoration, Loqi’s breath trembled; even with little gestures like that, Cor made him feel…like a deity.  
It was nice. It made his cheeks burn, and it sent his heart racing. 

He breathed shakily against the Marshal’s mouth, and Cor paused too for a bit, but didn’t break apart. He leaned even closer to rest his forehead on Loqi’s, and both stood quiet for a moment.

Even the silence was nice with him. It felt even more intimate than saying something. 

_You will infiltrate in Lucis. Meet the Marshal by accident._

Cor had been wary of him at first. Did not like to talk with him. But, eventually, in ways he could not catch, he had befriended him. Slowly, step by step, after literal years, Loqi had earned his trust.

Loqi leaned in again to unite their lips again, softly. He only kissed him once, and waited for a reaction. Cor stayed still for a moment, as if tasting the kiss, focusing in the sensation it left on his lips.  
When Cor leaned close to kiss him back, and Loqi answered the gesture, and as both got distracted once again in the kissing, Loqi subtly removed one of his hands, and brought it into his own coat. 

_You will befriend him, but will go beyond that._

Loqi subtly moaned in between kisses when Cor’s fingertips caressed his nape, at the time the Marshal’s tongue gently poked his. The moan had been so natural, Loqi was not sure if he had faked it or not. He grew eager; his hands grew a little impatient. He wanted Cor; he really was starting to crave him in those moments. Wanted to bring him to the couch, or to the bed.

When they started sleeping together, Loqi had asked him to be rough. Loqi himself had shown himself active and passionate, to the point of almost being obscene. Every man he had been with always liked it like that; rough, aggressive, vulgar. Cor himself had been like that, too, at the beginning.

But the more they slept together, the softer Cor turned. The less he thought about obscenities, the less he tossed Loqi around, the less he dirty-talked to him. As if the more time went, the more the sincerity of Cor’s love for him grew. For the past months, Cor had not fucked him.  
He had made love to him.

 _You will bring him to your bed; you will conquer his heart._  
_You will make him fall in love with you. So deep, so profound, he has no way back from it._

And, lately, that was what Loqi was craving. No obscenities; no roughness. Just Cor’s hands slowly exploring his body; gently holding his hips; tenderly caressing his face, stroking his hair with love. His warm skin against his own, slow, taking its time. His mouth on his; his eyes on his. Loving him slowly, with care. With love. 

_A man is alert against enemies and friends, but goes fully blind when he’s in love._

Loqi brought his hand back out from his coat. He had forgotten he had it there.  
With a hand still on Cor’s stomach, he let the moment linger, and his mouth continued kissing Cor’s, non-stop. Despite how long they had spent there, Cor did nothing to bring him anywhere nor did he make a first move.  
He always waited for Loqi to do it. As if it was his way of asking for permission; never wanting to do anything that could upset him; always wanting Loqi to want it.  
And he wanted it. He really did. 

_You must make sure that he falls in love with you so profoundly like he’s never loved before, that he would fully trust his life on your hands._

Loqi’s hand moved again, caressing with careful fingertips the zone of Cor’s torso, above his tummy, under his ribcage. His hand moved down and explored through the shirt, as if looking for something.  
Cor didn’t break from the kiss. He stayed there, caressing the younger man’s face and hair, feeling his neck with his fingertips, and always kissing him, dearly, with his shy but sincere way of loving. Tender. 

_And once he’s in love with you, you will wait for the correct moment,_

Loqi started bringing his other hand back to Cor.

_And you will kill him._

And he put the tip of the knife subtly against Cor’s tummy. 

Loqi half-opened the eyes mid-kiss, to watch the Lucian. Cor had not reacted to the knife; he had yet not noticed.  
It was strange. So strange, Loqi waited for a long while as if not believing it himself. The Immortal had a fame of seeing everything, knowing everything, unveiling everything. Rumors had it you could shoot a gun while he sleeps, and he would still move away of the bullet’s trajectory in the last moment.  
The fact that Cor was standing in his own apartment, kissing his lover, and with the tip of a knife right on top of a vital organ, and had yet noticed…it really was amazing. 

_He’s really so blinded…_

Love really blinded, Loqi guessed, even the wariest of men. The Lucian could trust wholeheartedly anyone and still have the guard up. But romantic love…it really had won against him.  
Cor had prepared in case of being betrayed by friends and family…but never by what he had thought to be the love of his life.

_Love is trusting your life on someone else’s hands, giving them the power to kill you, and knowing they won’t._

What a shame, Loqi thought. That love could be one-sided.

Loqi, finally, tensed his hand and ordered it to move forwards…  
But it suddenly didn’t move. His hand stayed frozen in the same spot, only the tip of the blade pressed against Cor’s shirt. He tried again, but his hand didn’t move. 

_You’re at risk of believing your own lie and back away when the moment comes. Do not._

Loqi’s heart was racing madly in his chest. He could almost feel it in his throat. The more Cor’s lips moved against his, the more frozen his hand became.  
It was hypnotizing; Cor’s kisses. The way his mouth kissed him so sweetly and with so much love. It was truly mesmerizing.  
Loqi had no idea someone could love this intensely. This…sincerely. Cor saw him as almost a deity; always praised him, always treated him like that, looked at him like he was an angel…  


_Remember your duty._

Loqi had been with plenty men in the past for similar purposes, and while he usually had fun with them, none of them had ever…loved him like that. With so much honesty. With the whole heart; with the whole soul. None had ever looked at him like they would go through every hell, earth, and heaven just to make him smile, like Cor did…and it was…nice.

_No. You don’t love him. It’s not love; it never was._  
_It was not supposed to be…_

Loqi’s hand trembled.  
_Why are you hesitating…?_  
He had never failed before. He had never hesitated. Men were disgusting; all they wanted was sex and someone that praised them. Loqi always felt satisfaction when the moment of killing them came, his hand was always eager to move.  
So why was it not obeying this time…?

He stopped the kiss and left his mouth hanging open. Cor still kissed him a little, but soon noticed the way Loqi trembled, the way he left the mouth open. At first he had thought it excitement, the moment when he left Loqi breathless. But this was different. 

Loqi had started the relationship fully aware of what he was doing. That it was a lie. That every time he said to Cor ‘I love you’, it was a lie.  
But he had started to forget. He had had many chances to do this in the past, and he had not done it because he had forgotten why he was even there in the first place.  
He was forgetting this was not real. He had been lying so well, he had believed his own lie.

He had said ‘I love you’ so many times as a lie…perhaps it had started to turn into truth.

Cor was different.

_No…_

Cor slowly and eventually stopped kissing him. He waited some moments, try to see if everything was in order. Loqi’s body was tense, and he had stopped breathing.  
When Cor opened the eyes, Loqi panicked.  
_He’s going to see it._  
So he did it before Cor would.

Cor had started to formulate a question when he felt it; a sudden piercing pain in his tummy, on the left side. The not-formulated question transformed into a noise that was half-gasp and half a groan of both surprise and pain. Cor’s eyes flew open as he bent slightly forwards at the sudden sensation in his stomach; a burning, hot, sharp pain that had pierced into his body.

He looked down at Loqi as if looking for an answer, as if looking…for help.  
But all that Loqi did was look up at him with a frown and cold eyes. Full of _hatred._

Cor took too long understanding; indeed, Loqi didn’t think he actually finished processing it. They were still hugged as if nothing had happened; Loqi kept the knife buried to the halt in his stomach, and Cor, breathless, was staring down at him in shock.

After a moment of staring, Loqi’s frown deepened, and he grew angered.  
_How dare he look at me with so much innocence…!?_

Not standing the way Cor still looked at him adoringly despite the shock and the pain, Loqi growled under his breath and held tightly the knife, and then proceeded to twist it while still buried in Cor’s body. He did it with anger; he did it violently. He twisted it fully to a side, then to the other, and repeated multiple times. Cor, still holding him, groaned with every movement, letting out a noise Loqi had not heard before from him.  
Whimpers of pain. 

It hurt. Hearing Cor in pain…it hurt.  
And it maddened Loqi.

He was not supposed to have these feelings; he was not supposed to feel hurt and scared by hearing Cor in pain. And the fact that he was, the fact that it really hurt him to hurt Cor, it made him angry.  
_I’m not supposed to feel anything right now…!_

So he stabbed him again. Brought the knife out quickly, and as quickly he made it return to a second spot in Cor’s tummy.  
Cor was not even trying to defend himself. Be it the shock, be it anything else, Cor didn’t try to do anything. He only let himself be stabbed, and groaned loudly again.  
It hurt even more. As if there was a connection between Cor’s body and Loqi’s heart, and stabbing him was only a way of hurting himself in the process. 

It maddened him. 

So he stabbed him a third time. Brought the knife out and violently made it return to a third spot. Cor should have anticipated it; with his fame in reflexes, he should have anticipated this, to already be out of the shock. But he didn’t; he had not expected it.  
Love had truly blinded him.

Frowning deeply and glaring at the older man with anger, Loqi twisted the knife again before bringing it out roughly.  
And then he just looked at Cor. As if waiting for his reaction.

Cor was looking at him. Directly to the eyes. Mouth open and eyes widened, face pale, and still not breathing. He stayed still for a long while, doing but stare at him. Loqi breathed heavily, eyes angered, frowning. 

And then, Cor fells to his knees.  
As he fell, his hands immediately looked for Loqi; they held to him, and Loqi, by reflex, held him back. He tried to keep Cor upwards, and helped him to not fall too roughly on the ground; he guided his way down on his knees in front of him, slowly, but still heavily, while Cor’s hands held tightly to him like the world would collapse and he was the only anchor to hold to.  
Cor fell to his knees letting out a shaky breath, legs weak and orientation gone. Even down, he still stayed holding to Loqi tightly and strongly, body heavy and threatening to collapse.  
And despite everything, Loqi held him in place.

It was a long while with Cor shaking violently in his spot and holding tightly to Loqi as if waiting for him to do something.  
“…Loqi” he managed to breath out shakily, eyes wide in terror. And then, as if it took from him all his physical and inner strength, and more than he had, Cor let it out; “…why?”  
“…it was my duty, Cor” Loqi replied, trying to sound dry, and hating himself for the way it came out in a murmur. “It’s nothing personal…”

It took a lot of strength that was not physical to let go of Cor. Loqi held him against him, helping him stay on his knees, but he knew he had to let go. His job was done; he had nothing more to do here.  
Loqi would normally slit the throats of his victims.  
But he didn’t have the heart to do it this time.  
He thought it would be more bearable if he let Cor bleed to death. That way, it would have been the bleeding what killed him, and not him.  
And that way, he could at least walk away, and not see Cor when he died…

Cor’s breath was ragged and difficult, and he still trembled violently. Loqi hated to see him in such a state, but tried to remind himself that all this had always been a lie, and that it had no reasons to affect him.  
This man was his victim; his job. He had never been important to him; he did not have to feel bad about this.

Angered at the chaos of emotions within him that he was not supposed to be having, Loqi let go of Cor and pushed him slightly to make him fall to the floor. Cor fell sideways, his hands finally letting go of Loqi to press his wounds. He was shaking, and he breathed as if asphyxiating. It was a pathetic sight; Cor was agonizing and burning in pain at his feet.  
Loqi always thought he would enjoy it.  
It sickened him.

“Don’t try to contact anyone, Cor. It’s useless” Loqi warned him, as dryly as he could manage. “I cut your phone line, every communicating device you have, and I have your cellphone” he explained. “None the neighbors are home, and I will lock the door from outside anyway. It’s useless. You’re alone.”  
Loqi thought about putting a foot on the older man’s head. In the end, he couldn’t bring himself to that. He only glared harder.  
“Die”, he said almost as if it was an order.

Said that, Loqi forced himself to look away, and gave a first step towards the door.  
“Loqi-!”  
He stopped when Cor’s hand grabbed his ankle. Cor was still down on the floor, a hand pressing his wounds, and whole body trembling violently.  
The way he grabbed his ankle, the strength of it would not have been enough. It had been the intention of it what made Loqi stop. 

He stood still some moments, but refused to look down at him. He tried to convince himself that it was because he didn’t care.  
His heart said it was because it hurt.

“…Loqi” Cor breathed out more calmly, but still with difficulties. “Just…I need to know-…” he paused and groaned in pain. “…did you never…love me?”  
“Everyone asks the same” Loqi muttered. “And the answer is always no.”  
“…Loqi” Cor called again from his spot, fingers curling around the cloth of Loqi’s pants, as if fearing he would walk away and trying to hook him in place. “…look…look at me.”  
“I have no reasons to-”  
“Please…”

As if it was an order from a superior, Loqi fell silent at that last word. He untensed a little, and hesitated. He tried to remind himself that he did not have any reasons to obey him.  
Please. The way Cor always said please, it had always been so gentle. So sweet. Always for a cute purpose. Like when he asked Loqi for a kiss, please. For a hug, please.  
To stay with him…please.  
Loqi swallowed to try to get rid of the knot in his throat, and ended up looking down at Cor.

Cor was looking up at him, despite being thrown on the ground. Loqi’s eyes wandered down to his tummy, and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of the large pool of blood on the floor, and how horribly much Cor’s shirt and hand were soaked and heavy in red. Still, Cor looked at him, as if not even noticing or minding the wounds.  
Suddenly frightened at the sight, as if it was the first time he saw blood, Loqi stared with sudden terror, but he looked away immediately by reflex when Cor murmured his name again.

“Loqi” the Nif turned to look at him, still frightened. Cor was looking at him still with shock, but, despite it all…relatively calm. Conscious. “Did you…never...love me?”  
Loqi stared at him silently. He stayed mute. He knew the answer; it was simple. He should not have reasons to hesitate.  
But he did. Something about Leonis...and the way he looked at him, it was making it impossible to say it.  
_Why is he making it so difficult…?_  
“…it was my duty” he repeated in a murmur, as if that would say it all. 

Cor stayed quiet. He looked away for a moment and snorted in pain, trembling, but even then not letting go of Loqi’s ankle. He took a few moments to breathe and try to control himself and the pain, and then he looked up at Loqi again.  
His eyes were drowning in tears. The sight made something in Loqi’s stomach wrench.  
“…did you?” Cor insisted, and the question was enough to tell Loqi what he already knew; he had avoided the question. Cor was not asking him why he did it. Cor was asking for a different answer, whether it was duty or not.

Loqi did not reply. He stared at Cor with slightly wide eyes, frozen in his place. His mouth gaped, and he hesitated.  
The same icy blue eyes that he had lied to so many times…they were looking at him, waiting desperately for an answer. As if he could stand the wounds, but not not having the answer to what he asked.  
Instead of looking for help, or attacking back, or screaming, or anything else…was that question, really, the only thing that preoccupied him? Whether Loqi had ever loved him or not?  
Was that what Cor cared about in his agony…?

_Why is he so stupid…!?_

Loqi’s eyes started itching. He swallowed again, but the knot in his throat only tightened.  
“…of course not” he whispered. He looked away, shaking the head as if in regret, and then let out a shaky breath. “I never did.”

Cor still stared up at him, but this time it was with surprise. With sadness. With sudden hopelessness.  
And his eyes suddenly looked at him…so brokenhearted, that Loqi forced himself to look away once more.  
“It was just my duty, Cor” Loqi insisted. “Loving you was not personal, as so isn’t killing you. I’m paid for this. And I’m done.”

Loqi dared to look down at him again. But all that he found was the same brokenhearted eyes that looked up at him in shock.  
Cor had been stabbed three times. He was bleeding at an alarming pace. He was dying. And, yet, never had he cried.  
Until then.

After Loqi answered his question, Cor looked up at him brokenhearted and in shock.  
And he dropped a pair of quiet tears.  
Loqi tried to convince himself that they were tears of physical pain.  
But he knew better. 

_Are three stabs not enough to make him cry, but saying I never loved him was…?_

Loqi thought he would be angry at the idea…but all that he felt was his stomach shrinking, and his heart wrenching inside. It was horrible; everything inside him started wrenching and feeling as if on fire, he was sure he was literally burning inside.  
After watching Cor drop a pair of tears of a broken heart, the Nif looked away roughly, and started hurrying his way to the door, making Cor’s fingers unhook from his clothes.  
“Loqi-!” Cor let out hurriedly, in a hoarse hiss. 

Loqi did not stop. He hurried to the door, putting the knife back in a pocket of his coat, and put a hand on the knob.  
Before he could turn it, he heard a thud and a groan from the Marshal.  
It paralyzed him.  
After a moment, Loqi dared to look back.

Cor was trying to push himself up on a hand. He was shaking violently, and blood poured down his body like a thick cascade. Once more, Loqi stared at the blood and the alarming way it was flowing. He was distracted from the sight only by Cor’s inhuman effort as he tried to push himself up on his knees. He almost had it…but, then, after moving an inch forwards, he collapsed and hit the ground, whimpering in pain.  
Loqi’s heart skipped a beat.  
_Why, you don’t want me to leave?_  
Despite the way he breathed as if hyperventilating, and the way he shook in a burning pain, Cor still tried with his free hand again, and he used it to pathetically drag himself on the floor a few inches forwards.  
_Of course I don’t. And if you do…_  
Loqi’s heart fell, and he put a hand to his chest at the sudden sensation that his heart had stopped.  
_I’d follow._

Cor stopped for a moment, head down, and wheezing out in effort and pain. Loqi stared at him, the hand holding tightly to the knob of the door, and the body paralyzed.  
It was too much blood. Whatever Loqi had stabbed, it was going to kill Cor in a matter of a couple minutes.  
And still, Cor moved the hand again; put it ahead, tried to keep it firm on the floor. And he used it to drag himself on the floor a few inches more, towards the door. Towards Loqi. 

Loqi’s eyes suddenly drowned in tears. The man that had loved him so tenderly, the gentleman that always brought little gifts and details to him. Who always gave him his jackets when it was cold, who liked to kiss his knuckles. The man he had slow-danced with in the kitchen. Who proudly bragged about him with his friends. Who smiled at Loqi like he was the sun after a life of darkness, an angel among demons, the source of life itself. The man that hugged him and closed the eyes like it was both a first and last hug.  
Who had trusted his life in his hands.  
Literally dragging himself on the floor towards him, even after Loqi had shown to not be the correct person to trust.  
Because he still loved him.

 _It was my duty,_ he told Cor. ‘Nothing personal’.  
He had been given the orders. He met him because it was his job; talked to him because it was his job, enamored him, laughed at his jokes, looked at him because it was his job. Faked the relationship because he was told to. 

“…Loqi…” Cor breathed out with effort, head still down and whole body still trembling violently. His hand tried to tightly hold his wounds, but the blood still escaped him. He whimpered, groaned, breathed raggedly and with effort as he tried to continue dragging himself on the floor. “…please…”

Nothing had ever been real; the love story he built, it was all fiction. He had never meant any kiss; any hug; any longing gaze, any secret shared, any hold of hands. Any ‘I love you’.  
It was not love.  
It had never been.

Loqi’s hand tightened on the knob.

“Loqi…” Cor called again, and once more tried to push himself up on a hand.  
_It’s not love. It’s duty._

And so, forcing himself to look away, Loqi turned the knob and opened the door.  
“No!” Cor whimpered shakily as loudly as he could, with the voice breaking and full of pain that did not come from the wounds, but rather from within. Loqi heard the brokenhearted pain in that word. So short, so small, and still managing to send a shiver through his body, like a bolt. It was not just a word; it was a _plea._ “Loqi…”

Loqi opened the door more, not daring to look back. He gave a first step out, heard Cor hurriedly move behind him-  
-and then another thud.  
Loqi looked back. Cor had collapsed again.  
He was using both hands to hold his wounds; both hands were so covered in red, it looked like he was wearing gloves. He was lying on his side, bleeding, shaking even harder than before. Every time he exhaled, he whimpered; every time he inhaled, he wheezed in pain. He was heaving.  
This time he did not get up.

 _I must remember my duty…_  
Loqi stayed frozen at the door. He looked outside to the hallway, and back to Cor. As if waiting for him to try to push himself up again, as if not wanting to leave until he saw Cor move up again. Loqi looked at the hallway again, and his legs trembled, hesitating whether to give a second step out or not, and he looked back at Cor. Every second that passed was making Loqi’s breath heavier and quicker, and every second covered his eyes in more and more tears. He stayed there, trying to force himself out the apartment, until he was breathing as quickly as his heart beat, and until his eyes were so covered in tears he could not see anything.  
His heart raced, faster, faster for each second that Cor spent on the floor and did not get up.

His duty asked him to leave.  
_But this is not duty._

Breathing heavily as if near a panic attack, and finally dropping a pair of tears, Loqi rushed back into the apartment.

He pulled Cor’s cellphone out from a pocket and immediately sent the emergency alert that connected straight with the Citadel HQs. He dropped the phone at the time he dropped himself down on his knees in front of Cor, hands hurrying to the older man’s face.  
“Cor- Cor, no, wait- no” Loqi said hurriedly, stumbling upon his own words. “Cor, hang on, I-I didn’t-…it was not true- I was not- hang in there, Cor, you’ll be- you’ll be fine, okay? Answer to me. Cor, answer to me!”

As he spoke, Loqi turned Cor carefully but hurriedly, and he started adjusting him. On dead weight and as bigger than him as he was, Cor was a bit of a challenge to pick up, but Loqi tried until he pulled Cor into his arms, cradling him. Half-lying on the floor, and half-held in Loqi’s arms, Cor breathed as if asphyxiating, wheezing whenever he inhaled.  
Loqi put a hand to his face, making it turn to look at him. Cor’s eyelids either fluttered or fell shut. He was cold. The man that was always warm to his touch, freezing. Pale like snow.  
“Hang on, Cor…” Loqi whispered, tears streaming down his face, while he adjusted Cor in his arms. He held him in place with an arm, and used the other hand to press his wounds.  
Cor was not pressing them anymore. His hands laid limp on his tummy, not applying any force.

Loqi’s hand immediately turned fully red as soon as he pressed the injuries. Cor responded with a quiet whimper, and the eyelids fluttering open for a second.  
“It’s okay, Cor, you’ll be fine” Loqi cried, a hand on Cor’s wounds, and the other arm cradling him against his chest. “Just stay with me, okay?”  
Cor didn’t reply. It took a moment as he blinked before he could keep the eyes open. They looked feverish and lost, and out of focus, but they looked up at Loqi, as if only now noticing him.  
Loqi stared back, trembling, but keeping him firmly in arms.  
“Hang on, Cor” Loqi cried, as tears continued rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry…”

Loqi wanted to cry harder, but he forced himself to stay as collected as possible.  
“I’m so sorry…” Loqi whimpered and felt stupid at his own words. Unworthy; with no rights to say such a thing. He wanted to put a hand to Cor’s face, but he knew he did not have to let go of the wounds, so he didn’t. “Stay with me, Cor…I-I’m...I'm staying with you, but I need you to stay with me too…okay?”  
Cor didn’t reply. He kept the feverish eyes on Loqi, and didn’t make any expression or gave any sign to be listening. Not other than a pair of teary eyes.  
Even in agony, Cor looked at him like he was angel…

Loqi sobbed and looked at the cellphone on the floor, next to him. The alert signal was still on. He begged internally that the Lucian elite forces would not take much longer to arrive. He knew it meant his arrest, but he did not give a damn; he would gladly take anything, death sentence even, but, by the gods, he needed them to save Cor…  
He breathed shakily. Sobbed once, and closed the eyes. His heart hurt, as if it had been pierced by a blade.  
“…I lied” Loqi whispered. He was trembling, and those last words had taken more effort than he had thought. His jaw was tense and every tear he dropped burned like fire. He opened the mouth again to continue, taking in a gasp, and it took a moment. It hurt; saying what he said next hurt as if this truth had been buried so profoundly in his heart that taking it out was pulling it out from deepest part of his soul. “…I love you.”

Cor was getting colder, and his breath, even though it was still fast and heavy, had grown quieter. The blood did not stop. His body was untensing. His eyes were losing even more focus.  
Loqi said those words slowly, as if wanting Cor to know he meant them. As if knowing the effort it took to just listen. Cor’s unfocused eyes were still on him, teary, and looking at him as if he had never seen him before.  
Loqi bit his lower lip to try to contain himself, but he ended up sobbing, crying a little harder.  
“I love you, Cor” Loqi repeated among tears. “Please, don’t die on me…”

Again, Cor did not show any signs to have heard or understood. He only stared up at Loqi like he was the only thing that existed.  
And then, almost without blinking, two tears shyly escaped his eyes and rolled down the sides of his head.  
Loqi watched Cor’s lips move a little, as if he was trying to say something, but did not find the strength to.  
“Save your breath” Loqi shushed him, forcing a smile despite the tears. “Just…calm down…but stay awake, okay? Stay with me, Cor. I’m staying with you, so you stay with me…”

Cor blinked, and kept the eyes on him, but again said and did nothing. He let out another pair of silent and shy tears.  
Suddenly, his body tensed and he trembled as if he had been struck by a bolt; Loqi held him tighter and panicked a little as Cor spasmed a bit and took in a loud gasp, the head moving slightly back. He stopped breathing for a moment while he stayed tense. Loqi tried to shush him as the bolt of pain faded.  
“It’s okay, I’ve got you- stay with me, Cor” Loqi repeated, pressing Cor closer to him. “Don’t die…please, stay with me…”

Cor stayed limp in his arms. His body was thrown on the floor, and his head was cradled in Loqi’s arm, against his chest. Loqi held him like he had loved him all the past year; tenderly. Cor wanted to help him with he wounds, but his hands had stopped functioning; for harder he tried, he could not get them to obey. They laid limp, one on the floor, the other on his tummy, next to Loqi’s hand. He wanted to reach to touch it, but his hand not even then would listen.  
Cor started losing more focus; he tried to look up at Loqi, tried to look down at the place where he was almost touching his hand, but it became harder to see. Everything was blurry. He hated the sensation.  
So he closed the eyes.

“…Cor?”  
Even listening was difficult; Loqi’s voice was distant, echo-y. Like it was part of a dream and he was starting to wake up, but backwards.  
He should have known that if he didn’t have the strength to keep the eyes open, he would not have strength enough to talk, but he still tried. He wanted to tell something to Loqi.  
“Cor.”  
He wanted to tell him that he had to stop worrying whether Cor lived or not. That it really didn’t matter if he died now. Because Loqi had come back. He had regretted what he did.  
“Cor!”

He heard Loqi yell something else, but his ears did not quite catch it.  
He wanted to tell him that true, what he did had been horrible but it was done. What mattered now was that Loqi had regretted it. That he was staying with Cor. That he had come back.  
Whether he lived or died, the facts were that Loqi had come back, was holding him, and told him he loved him. Said it with both words and actions.

Whatever happened now, it was not important.  
Loqi loved him.

Cor became numb to the pain. He could not hear Loqi’s voice that yelled and screamed, nor feel him shaking him in arms to bring him back awake. All that Cor felt was a warm bloom in his heart, and a sudden sensation of completeness. 

Loqi loved him. Whether he had done it for duty or not, Loqi loved him. If he died, he would go with that last knowledge, and that was all that he needed.

Unable to hear, see, or feel what was happening, Cor let his head rest against Loqi’s chest, kept the eyes closed, and, as unconsciousness took over, he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHECK OUT [THIS INCREDIBLE, INSANE ARTWORK](http://yuu-be-good.tumblr.com/post/182766633726/a-commission-for-asoeiki-who-asked-for-the) @yuu-be-good AT TUMBLR MADE OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS!! CHECK OUT [THIS INCREDIBLE, INSANE ARTWORK](http://yuu-be-good.tumblr.com/post/182766633726/a-commission-for-asoeiki-who-asked-for-the) @yuu-be-good AT TUMBLR MADE OF CHAPTER 1 AKLSJDSLKGJDALKGJ
> 
> Enjoy 'surprise' part 2!!!
> 
> -

The beeping noise that filled the silence was slow but steady. 

Beep…beep…beep. A little slower than was normal, but, according the doctors, stable and nothing to worry about. Sometimes the sound of the wind joined the beeping, gentle gusts coming through the open window.

The room as itself, despite the number of people in it, was silent. Maybe as expected from any room of a hospital, mostly when the patient was delicate or resting. Both of which described the situation perfectly.

Loqi sat next to the bed, inches from it. After another of his now usual sleepless nights, and after so many hours of waiting, he couldn't help but keep the head resting on the bed. Sometimes, he would start drifting into sleep. To stay awake, his fingers caressed the hand they held as gently as was possible. He could have slept if he wanted, but he didn't want to.  
Not as long as Cor would be in that bed. And especially not while Cor slept…

The Marshal looked at peace, yes, and the doctors had already said he was starting to stabilize…but every time Loqi tried to sleep, he was shaken with the thought of ‘what if he dies while I'm asleep?’ And naturally, he preferred to stay awake each second he could force his body to stand to look after the Lucian.

Loqi was starting to doze off again. The wind that came from the window would sometimes gently caress the back of his head, shushing him to sleep. The silence and the steady beep helped in nothing. He was starting to close the eyes when Cor took in a breath heavier and slower than normal and subtly muttered something unintelligible.

It took a second while Loqi's sleep-deprived self processed it. A few seconds later, Loqi was sitting back up, perhaps a bit too fast, gasping quietly, turning to look at Cor, and, almost by reflex, gently bringing Cor’s hand up, wrapping both of his hands around it. He instinctively leaned a little closer to the older man’s face, and started smiling. Sadly, exhausted, full of a whirlwind of emotions, most of which were in the negative scheme, but a smile, nonetheless. 

He watched Cor’s face. Tired, a little pale, but definitely a thousand times better than five days ago. The tube that crossed Cor’s cheeks horizontally and disappeared into his nostrils was not a comfortable sight, but his face as itself was. Loqi saw as Cor’s eyelids tightened for a second, only to remain closed as the Marshal moved the head slightly, letting out a breath that seemed to hide a word or two. Loqi waited, despite it looking as if Cor was still deep asleep. After a moment, Cor reacted a little again, mumbled, and tried opening the eyes.

It was a long process. Waking up took a lot of effort from Cor every day since…the day. The drugs that helped with the pain made it such a complicated task. Still, Loqi was patient. He waited the ten, fifteen minutes that were spent only watching him half-wake up, go back to sleep, mumble, open and close the eyes, trying to come awake and make sense.  
After a long while, Cor stayed quiet, letting out a little breath, and seemed to have gone back to sleep for a few minutes. Then, his eyelids started moving very softly, a little slowly, but definitely this time. The Marshal opened the eyes, blinking, closed them a second, and half-opened them again. His head turned in the Nif’s direction.

“…Loqi?” Cor called in a weak whisper, fighting to keep the eyes as open as possible, and half failing in the task.  
“…hi” Loqi greeted very quietly, his smile widening. Cor’s reaction, as cute as it was, broke Loqi’s already devastated heart; despite having the eyes more closed than opened, Cor’s face instantly beamed with joy when he heard Loqi’s voice, and his smile, even if weakly, widened. His hand finally responded and tried to grip Loqi’s hand back, managing a weak but very sincere grasp. Loqi’s smiled quivered a bit, and his eyes started itching. The Nif closed the eyes a second and breathed slowly to try to stay calm. He opened the eyes and tried smiling again. “How are you feeling?”

Cor was still smiling his way, even though he had closed the eyes. He took in a breath as if to both bring himself back awake and gather air to reply.  
“Good” he whispered. Loqi smiled and let out a little breath through the nose. He reached close to press a little kiss to Cor’s hand, still in his grasp. “With you here…it makes sleeping easier…”

Loqi didn’t reply. He looked down and his smile turned sadder. He had a thousand things to reply to that, and a sharp blade of guilt still deep in his heart that hurt every time Cor said something like that…but Loqi didn’t want to fight him. Not in this state…not in Cor’s situation.  
After a moment, Loqi moved a hand away of Cor’s to reach for his face. His hand hesitated when it was close, and he subtly glanced up.  
Towards the man at the door.

Loqi watched him as if pleading in some way. The man, holding a medium-sized gun, had the eyes locked on him as if Loqi was the only thing that existed in the universe. Sort of like Cor used to look at him, except that instead of all that longing love and affection, there was threat and suspicion. Even though the man wasn’t entirely relaxed, he didn’t tense at the gesture…so Loqi assumed that was his way of saying it was alright.

With that unspoken permission, Loqi focused again solely in the Marshal, and let his hand continue until it touched a tiny lock of Cor’s short hair, and caressed it with affection. He dragged a few fingertips across his face, and smiled dearly at him. Cor managed to open the eyes for a moment, enough so he could see Loqi’s face, and he smiled back.

Cor couldn’t help but fall asleep again. Loqi still stayed attentive, patient, and kissed his hand again. A couple minutes later, Cor was taking in another long breath and waking up.  
“…Loqi” he called in another weak whisper, happily. “Hi…”  
“Hi, darling” Loqi replied with a beaming if sad grin, like it was the first time in years. “I’m here…”  
Cor smiled. It was a soft and small curve of the lips. Yet, it beamed a deeper sincerity, something a little more intimate than before.  
“…just like you said you would be…” he whispered. “Staying here…”

The blade in Loqi’s heart did but bury deeper into it, and twist. It felt so physical, Loqi almost let go of Cor to hold his own chest. He fought that horrible pain back with all his might so he could stay relatively calm. Loqi couldn’t help but look down, smile gone, and eyes tearing up. He was quiet for a very long while, only whispering a quiet and sad ‘Yeah’. Thankfully, Cor seemed to have fallen fast asleep again, so he didn’t catch the guilt and sadness Loqi was in for a good while. 

Loqi focused in Cor again when, once more, the Marshal made that breathing noise whenever he was about to come back awake. He turned to look at Loqi and opened the eyes a little more than he had managed so far.  
“…you still look very exhausted, Loqi” Cor murmured, as if he had not noticed he had fallen asleep and was retaking the conversation where he left it. “Are you sleeping well…?”

And again, Cor’s naïve words and innocent care made the knife in Loqi’s heartstrings pierce through him again. It was overwhelming. Loqi, every day for the past days, had lived wave after wave, and he was getting really drained from these conversations…but he partly felt like it was a good way to give himself the punishment he deserved. Jail, hatred, even death sentence were easy, but guilt? Fuck. It was the fiercest and cruelest of torturers. 

Loqi gave the Marshal a sad smile and stared at him with his tired eyes; eyes both red and black, one from tears, the latter, from exhaustion. Truth was, he looked terrible. More than Cor could see or process in such state. Still, Loqi nodded.  
“I’ve been okay” Loqi murmured. “It’s you I worry for…”  
Cor looked away, closing the eyes, and letting out a hummed ‘eh’, as if to not give his situation any importance. Like he had not been stabbed three time, bled almost to death, like he was not in a hospital bed, still needing to be high in sedatives to handle the pain even days later, with a tube into his nose, with a donated organ as his had become useless, after three surgeries, on the evening of the most recent one. 

Loqi frowned a little, more in sadness and guilt than anger. Sometimes…he couldn’t understand Cor and how…far his selflessness could go. It was not always a good thing…not to say that it only worsened Loqi’s struggle with guilt.  
Some seconds later, Loqi kissed Cor’s hand again.  
“…you still have that bruise on your forehead” Cor pointed out, his free hand apparently trying to point at him. “Does it hurt?”  
“I already told you no, baby” Loqi said tenderly, smiling again. Cor hummed in response.  
“Did I already ask how you got that?”  
“Yes, baby” Loqi answered patiently. “You know my skin is too sensitive. It looks worse than it was, really. Stupid…lamppost got in the way.”

Cor hummed in response again, and smiled when Loqi chuckled in a breath. Cor nodded and turned away again, apparently still dozing in and out of sleep. Loqi made sure that Cor was not looking at him and possibly asleep again, and then his smile faded.  
Of course he wouldn’t tell Cor the truth. It would make him feel guilty, and it would make him understand what really was happening. If Cor knew, he would do some…stupidity, like showing up at the trial to beg for Loqi to be spared. 

So Loqi simply didn’t tell him. He had lied, said that the emergency elite forces arrived, healed him, and brought him to the hospital, and that they hadn’t found Loqi guilty, that the elite Crownsguard following him all the time was a personal guard granted by Lord Amicitia. Loqi was grateful that Cor was half-living on anesthesia drugs, because, was he fully conscious, he would have caught the lie straight away. Because, for starters, whenever the emergency signal was sent from any of the high-ranked or titled people, or the throne family, the elite forces that arrive always had to put everyone down and mark them as suspicious, no matter if they were in the scene to help or if they were another victim.

Of course Cor would know in a conscious state. Loqi took the chance to lie to keep him happy and into a beautiful lie, what else was he supposed to tell him? He couldn’t blurt out the truth to him like that, because Cor, stupid Cor, so selfless and naïve and in love, would freak out instantly and do stupidities for Loqi that Loqi didn’t deserve.

The truth was, the elite forces arrived not long after Cor had fallen unconscious. Most broke through the windows, literally; a few broke through the door. As soon as they ordered Loqi to get away of Cor, and while the team secured the area and healed him, they got on Loqi. The Nif was still on his knees on the floor, watching, and before he knew it, he had a soldier on him pushing him down to the floor, a knee to his back, and a hand on the back of his head, a bit too violently pushing it down and making his forehead hit it, while at the same time pulling his arms back and immediately cuffing him. 

Most times, the elite forces cuffed innocents, but it was a strict order they would always follow. The emergency signal was not common, and they had to arrest everyone but the one person that sent it. Most times, they would later on be proved innocent with no major investigation, and be freed.  
Loqi didn’t have much luck. With the bloodied knife in a pocket of his coat, he had no alibi.  
Nor did he try to invent one. He gave in without second thought. He admitted to it. To the elite forces, to the detectives, to Lord Amicitia, even to the king himself when, in disbelief, the king personally visited to ask him. 

Loqi was not going to lie. He was guilty, and he was not going to deny it. Cor deserved justice. If this was how he could pay for what he did, then so be it.

Even though the king had not been able to look at him ever since, he still was kind enough to allow Loqi to visit Cor at the hospital. He had to be cuffed all the time, except when in Cor’s presence, followed by at least one elite Crownsguard, and always wearing an ankle gadget that would electrocute him to paralysis at the first wrong movement, controlled, of course, by the guard he was to have. He was supposed to stay jailed until his trial, but Regis had asked to both delay the trial until Loqi said he was ready, and to allow him his daily visits to the hospital.

‘If it wasn’t because he’s blessed with the magic of the kings and so he responds to its healing properties, he wouldn’t have made it’, was the first thing Loqi was told when he asked for Cor in the hospital. It was something that he had already supposed, but still weighed to hear from a doctor. It was already concerning enough that Cor had to stay in the hospital for so long; normally, the healing magic worked as a miracle. Loqi, however, was not a renowned assassin for nothing. Of course he had known where he was stabbing when he did it.  
No one else would have survived. Cor wouldn’t have, was it not for magic.

Loqi took himself out of his thoughts when he heard another of Cor’s heavy and calm breaths. He continued holding and caressing his hand, staring at him.  
Before Cor continued their conversation, the door opened and a nurse walked in. The Crownsguard had stepped aside to let her in, but not even then did he get his eyes off Loqi for one second.  
“Hello, mister Leonis, how are you feeling?” she asked kindly as she proceeded to carefully start examining him.  
“Good, thank you” Cor smiled, still having a few troubles opening the eyes.  
“I’m glad. Are you in pain?”  
“Hm…a little…” Cor admitted, eyes softly closed but head facing her way. “Can you make it better?”  
“Yes, of course.”

Loqi silently watched as the nurse prepared the medicine. The knife in his heart twisted again. It was…rare for Cor to admit he was in pain. Normally, when he admitted it, it was too much for him to keep it a secret. Loqi’s eyes immediately went down and he had to bite down on his lip to control the urge of crying. As he did, the nurse injected the medicine in Cor’s IV and continued talking with him, asking if that was better and making casual conversation, maybe to see how his state was progressing.  
“Now let’s see these injuries” the nurse said sweetly, and she removed the blanket. Loqi helped her to pull the gown up until they exposed the belly, where three gauzes glared at Loqi and made his own open injury, the one in the heart, burn as if suddenly on fire.

The nurse checked the injuries, removed the gauzes and replaced them, everything calmly and without a complaint from the Marshal.  
“Well” the nurse said after she was done, covering Cor again, “it seems like you’re progressing really good.”  
“Good” Cor said as cheerfully as he could. “When am I going home?”  
“We’ll see according to how you progress.”  
“How do I progress faster?”

The nurse laughed and Cor smiled. Loqi tried forcing a little smile, but it faded as fast as it arrived.  
“Eat well, rest, and stay positive” the nurse said happily. “I’ll return in an hour, mister Leonis. You need anything, you tell us.”  
“Yes, yes. Thank you…” Cor said still smiling, turning away from her to once more turn towards Loqi with heavy eyelids, but apparently more awake than before. Loqi forced a smile and tightened a little the grip he had on Cor’s hand, as it had become loose.

They waited until the nurse exited. Despite wanting privacy, the Crownsguard stayed there, like always. Luckily, Cor hadn’t noticed so far, high as he was, and the door out of sight range, as he normally focused in Loqi and only him. He thought they were alone, and Loqi tried to not glance to the other man so Cor wouldn’t notice.  
“I really want to go back home now” Cor said with a happy, tired smile. “You’ll be there, right?”

This time, Loqi didn’t answer straight away. He stared at Cor for a long while, not trying anymore to force a smile. He looked at the Lucian as if trying to find the answer to his endless questions in his eyes or his face, but as much time as he spent looking, Loqi could only open the mouth, fail at saying something, and close it again.  
“…I don’t…understand how you still want to be anywhere near me after…after what I did, Cor…” he finally admitted in a murmur, face not hiding the sadness. Cor tried a little harder to open the eyes a bit more, and stared at Loqi more conscious for a good while.  
“…well” Cor started, “they say there’s always going to be couple problems, and that to make it work, you repair it, you don’t drop it just for one mistake.”  
“Yes, but they mean it for things like…misunderstandings or not agreeing, not for-” Loqi stopped there, closing the eyes and taking in a loud breath through the nose. It took more effort to push the words out than he had thought. “…not for things like almost-murder…”

They were in silence for a while. Cor stared at Loqi, and Loqi kept the head and eyes down and away, fighting away the tears before he could drop them. He bit on his lip and held a bit more tightly to Cor’s hand, not noticing, needing every fiber of his body to stay still and not cry.  
Some moments later, Cor, a little more awake, could finally move his other hand up, and he used it to put it gently under Loqi’s chin. He tried moving him gently, and Loqi complied, turning to look at him. Once they made eye contact, Cor rested his hand on Loqi’s face. The Nif got closer so Cor had less troubles with it; the Crownsguard tensed, but while he was very attentive, he didn’t intervene. By that point, though, Loqi was ignoring him, focused in Cor and only Cor.

He was a little hovered over him, faces a little closer, one of Cor’s hands on his face, and the other still in his grasp. Cor stared lovingly at him and caressed his cheek with his thumb, moved away a few locks of his hair when they got in the way, and continued touching his face, like it was the first time he did it.  
“…Loqi” he called in a whisper. “You regretted it. You came back…despite knowing you could have been arrested, and charged with death sentence” Cor continued whispering. The blade in Loqi’s heart stung, and he didn’t have the heart to keep eye contact; even when it was for good, he had to lie. More, and more, and more lies to Cor… “But you came back despite that…” Cor insisted. “What you did was bad, yes, but…it’d have been worse if you had walked away. You chose to regret it. And regretting it leaves it in the past, and I’m not giving a chance to the past-you, I’m giving a chance to the present-you, because now you know what you want and what you don’t want…”

Cor gestured for him to get a little closer; Loqi did, but still didn’t dare look at his eyes, knowing he would cry if he did.  
“…and you chose to stay. With me” Cor whispered. He closed the eyes. “How ungrateful would I be if, after all the risks you took, I would not forgive you?”

Loqi couldn’t help but drop a pair of tears. Close as he was to Cor’s face, hovered over it and foreheads almost touching, the drops fell onto the Lucian’s face. Cor opened the eyes, but Loqi got in charge of cleaning Cor’s face, gently and trying to not touch the cord that crossed his face. Then, he cleaned his own face, sniffled, and tried to control himself. He brought Cor’s hand close to his face to give it its millionth kiss, leaning his face into it afterwards.  
“…I don’t deserve you, Cor” Loqi whispered.  
“You do” Cor said, moving the head lightly to the sides. “And even if you didn’t, _I_ choose you…”

Loqi moved slightly away, despite Cor not wanting him to. The Nif focused in hiding his face behind his free hand and fighting with every bit of his soul to not burst into tears like a desperate child. Cor looked at him, conscious enough, but still processing things slower than normal. But he knew that Loqi was crying, and he was dealing with the most horrible guilt to have ever haunted anyone. Cor was silent, watching the younger man sob and let go of his hand only to be able to use both of his to keep cleaning his face as he continued crying through closed eyelids and clenched teeth.

“…Loqi” Cor called lowly, stretching a hand towards him. “Come close…”  
Though it took a while as Loqi calmed down, and as he gathered the courage, he leaned forwards and took Cor’s hand again, almost by mere reflex, when the Lucian offered it. They held eye contact for a bit. Cor used his hand to again caress Loqi’s face, this time also cleaning his dampened face. After cleaning it and making sure he had his attention, Cor let his hand rest on the younger man’s cheek, and he kept the gaze locked on him.  
“…I love you.” 

Loqi did but stare for a long while. His eyebrows furrowed, his lower lip quivered, and his eyes once more got wet. A pair of tears rolled down his face.  
“…I want to say it too” Loqi murmured. “…but I feel like I’m not worthy of that anymore…”  
“It’ll hurt me more that you don’t say it” Cor said. “I don’t care how ‘worthy’ you are. I care about what you feel. You said it back at home, right? If you weren’t lying, you can say it again…”

Loqi’s eyes filled with more and more tears as he stared at Cor as lovingly as painfully. The Nif let more tears roll down his face and he did nothing to stop them; he kept his hands busy holding Cor’s. He sniffled and it took a long moment as he tried to force the words out through the pain.  
“…I love you” he managed to whisper after a while, and, as if the words had either pulled the knife in his heart out in a snap or had pushed it in much deeper, Loqi stared down and closed the eyes, giving in to crying a little harder. He fought with all his might to stay as calm as possible. Cor let him cry. He said nothing to stop him, and almost seemed to encourage him with the way his thumb weakly stroked Loqi’s hand.

As every day, Loqi stayed there for the rest of the day. The nurse came in every certain time for the required medicines and attention, Loqi tried to talk about other matters whenever Cor spoke about going back home with him, and continued fighting his sleep away every time Cor took another nap and he was left with nothing but his sleep-deprived self and the gentle wind. And, of course, the Crownsguard at the door never took the eyes off him.

A few hours after the sun had set, visit time was over. Loqi couldn’t request to be the person staying with Cor in his room, because, under vigilance as he was, he had to spend at least the night in his cell. He had the relief that it was always someone that personally cared for Cor who stayed with him. He knew that they would take care after him and keep motivating him. 

Cor was awake when the nurse came in to ask Loqi to leave. The Nif had arms crossed on the bed, next to Cor, staring lovingly if still profoundly sad at the older man. Cor looked at him happily and naïve, like a child oblivious to the cruel world outside. Both turned to look at the door when the nurse spoke.  
“My apologies, mister Tummelt. But visit time is over, so…”  
“Yes, of course” Loqi murmured. “Just one minute.”  
“Of course” the nurse said with a smile and left. Both men looked at each other again and spent a couple seconds doing only that.

While staring, Cor moved a hand up and gently, carefully, like he used to do the first times he started touching him and felt a little scared, Cor’s fingertips ghosted Loqi’s skin, across his cheeks and up to the forehead, and later on caressed his fringe, all while his eyes traveled across the Nif’s face, as if either staring at it for a first time, or trying to memorize every inch and every pore.  
“…will you come back tomorrow?” Cor asked him in a murmur, still with that innocence so characteristic of him. Loqi smiled widely, and yet both his smile and his eyes were overwhelmed with sadness and pain that came from that burning wound inside. Amazed that Cor still looked at him like he was an angel, and still wanted him close, Loqi couldn’t reply for a moment until he forced himself to it.  
“Of course, darling” he whispered, and used a hand to brush Cor’s short hair in a loving gesture. He leaned down to press a kiss to the Lucian’s forehead, not caring and not even remembering about the physical restrictions he was supposed to have. “Like always.”  
“Like always” Cor whispered with a smile and closed the eyes as if to focus only in Loqi’s presence. “Like you promised” he continued, and his hand blindly looked for one of Loqi’s, grabbed it, and brought it up so he could kiss it tenderly. “Like you did. You always come back…”

Loqi smiled widely, even though his lips trembled for a second as if daring to break into tears again. For the past week, that had turned into his normal self; one fiber from bursting into sobbing at every damn second.  
He still smiled and gave Cor another tender little kiss on the cheek, gripping his hand back.  
“Goodnight, Cor” he whispered. “Sleep well.”  
“You too” Cor whispered back, smiling widely despite the exhaustion in his eyes. “See you tomorrow.”  
“Of course” Loqi said lowly, gave the Lucian a last wide sad smile, and let go of his hand. He approached the door and the Crownsguard opened it so he walked out first. When they left, Cor stared at the door for a minute in case Loqi would come back and spend the night with him for once but, as usual, he didn’t. Cor was neither disappointed nor happy. He sighed and closed the eyes, ready to rest for the night.

It was decided that inside the hospital, Loqi would not be cuffed, as it could make the staff or the patients nervous. So throughout the hallways, Loqi would walk on his own, with the Crownsguard following close right behind.  
One outside, however, Loqi turned around and obediently put his wrists up for the guard to cuff him.

With Cor resting in his hospital room, believing Loqi would spend the night at their apartment free of all charges or suspicion, Loqi calmly walked to what had become his new room, in a cell within the Citadel, awaiting the trial that was merely protocol as it was already solved, because he had admitted to being guilty.

 

Loqi made sure to say goodbye.  
Just not with his voice. If he said goodbye out loud, Cor would understand everything. And he couldn’t let him know.  
He knew it was selfish, unfair perhaps. But he couldn’t let Cor know that he had lied again. Loqi didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was not going to be home with Cor. That when he returned, Loqi wouldn’t be there. That he lied. That, this time, he was not coming back.

Loqi had many, too many things yet to tell Cor…but he couldn’t say any of that aloud. Many of those things stated clearly that it was a last goodbye, and Cor was recovering with each day. He would understand; question him; pull the truth out of him. And if he knew the truth, he was going to do something stupid like beg to Regis to free Loqi from his charges, blinded by a love that Loqi didn’t deserve. And Loqi could not allow that. As much of a relief as it would be, he knew he deserved it. He had done an abomination. He _was_ an abomination. Cor deserved justice. Loqi was guilty, and he was willing to accept the punishment.

So he couldn’t let Cor know, not until after the price was paid. It was not like they could hide it from him. Sooner or later, Cor would ask where he had gone, and he would know. And it would break him. And it would shatter him. Maybe, it could devastate him. But Loqi would rather destroy Cor once, than live and continue poisoning his life for the rest of it. Cor could recover from breaking, but not from the poison that was Loqi’s presence in his life.

Still, he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. He owed Cor an explanation, and many lessons, mostly asking him to not be stupid and let go of him. So Loqi wrote a letter. Eleven pages, most stained and smudged with tears, sometimes with things that sounded repetitive, because as Loqi wrote it he didn’t have the heart to stop writing, because if he stopped, that was it. His last goodbye. No more words. And as much as he knew that Cor deserved it, it was still so painfully difficult. Loqi had done such terrible thing to him, and even when he was freeing Cor as he deserved, he was still selfish and he cried, screamed, burnt in the struggle of how difficult it was to let go.

But as much as he screamed and cried in secret, he finished the letter. 

Some days later, one morning he arrived as soon as the hospital allowed him in. He spent all day with Cor, watching over him, taking care of him, making happy and casual conversation, pampering him with kisses. Cor thanked him many times for being more cheerful and loving than usual. Loqi continued making him as happy as he could manage, and, why not, he also made sure to make himself happy with what he thought would be the last hours with Cor. Not saying the things he couldn’t say.

 _’I’m sorry, and unable to forgive myself’_ was one of them. _’I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I’m sorry I was a coward. I’m sorry I didn’t say a proper goodbye.’_

They even joked and genuinely laughed together like they hadn’t done since before the incident. Loqi kissed his face, his hand, caressed his hair, and told him many, many times that he loved him. He praised Cor a lot, for many different things. Whispered tender names, murmured loving compliments. Not speaking what he could only write. 

_’Love again. Don’t stay stuck with my memory. I left so you could have a healthier, better life, and if chance comes, a healthier, better romance. I won’t be upset, or disappointed, or hurt. Indeed, I’ll be angry if you stay stuck on being sad. Love again, Cor. That’s my most sincere wish for you. Find someone that loves you genuinely from the first moment. You deserve someone that treats you like the angel you are, don’t accept less.’_

He spent the day loving Cor as much as he could. Regis had allowed him to spend the night there, because he knew it was the last, even if none said it aloud. He was even allowed to be there without the guard. So he made the best out of it, and pampered Cor at every given second all day and most of the night.  
Loqi was supposed to stay in the little extra bed for guests, but he couldn’t help and be selfish, and he curled up at Cor’s side. He was small enough to fit in the bed with him.

“Thank you for today” was the last thing Cor told him before they slept, “you’ve made me the happiest.”

Cor kept him hugged all night, as best as he could manage. And, even if just for some hours, it felt like everything was okay. 

_’I’m not sad for leaving this world. I had you. And you were the greatest, happiest, and best thing that happened to me…’_

The following morning, Loqi woke up before the sun. He spent an hour or two hugged to Cor, and doing nothing but feel and admire his presence. Memorizing his smell…the way he breathed…counting how long he spent inhaling, how long exhaling, memorizing the rhythm…his face. Caressing his arm and his hand. Thinking his name in a tender voice; Cor. Cor. _Cor._ Kissing his knuckles. Thinking him, admiring him, adoring him.  
And, when the first rays of light started appearing, Loqi forced himself out of the bed, made his peace with it, and embraced the ‘let him go’.

He put his jacket on, gathered his stuff, and he reached for Cor one more time. Loqi gently hovered over him and rested his forehead on Cor’s, as he tenderly caressed his hair. He stayed like that for many minutes, stroking his face and his hair, and adoring him.  
A long while afterwards, he gently cupped his face as softly as he could, and he kissed his forehead.  
“Do forgive me” Loqi whispered to the sleeping Cor that stayed unfazed. “Even doing good to you, I’m lying and hurting you. But I promise it’s the last time…”  
He leaned forwards and, very softly and slowly, he pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of Cor’s lips. He rested their foreheads together again, eyes closed, thumbs stroking the Lucian’s cheeks.  
“I love you.”

And with that, after a few minutes struggling with letting go, Loqi stood up, walked to the door, and stopped there. He turned around and looked at Cor. He was sleeping peacefully. Loqi stared for a couple minutes from his spot, before finally turning around and exiting.  
Outside, the Crownsguard responsible for him grabbed him by the arm and walked with him towards the exit. 

_’I know I’ve talked for eleven pages about letting go, but getting to the end of this, I can’t help but be selfish and say that, I haven’t even finished this letter, and I already miss you…’_

Before leaving, Loqi gave the letter to the nurse. ‘He will ask for me’ he said. ‘Tell him I had to do something. He’ll ask for me tomorrow. Tell him I’m busy. Only when he can go home, or if he demands the truth, give him this, and tell him that I’m sorry.’  
The nurse didn’t question him. Loqi thanked her, and left without hesitation.

_’I love you, Cor. And, again, I’m sorry.’_

And so, with many more things that he didn’t speak, all as painful as they were sincere, written down in a letter, having lied to Cor a last time about ‘coming back tomorrow’, Loqi walked away in silence, with the guard ready to cuff him, and prepared for his trial. A trial already lost. The sentence already dictated. And him, not opposing.

Murder attempt, serious bodily injury to someone the rank of a noble, and treason: death sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This can end here if you want ANGST, but I can make a chapter 3 of a...relatively 'good' ending if you so wish.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and please do share your thoughts with me! :3
> 
> This is dedicated to **Haru** and **tikali** for being so nice to me in chapter 1, and for asking for part 2. Despite the fic not being very popular, you two asked so enthusiastically, who was I to say no? Thank you for sparking inspiration and for your nice feedback. I hope you enjoyed.  <3


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